What a crazy intense year!
2017 was a huge wake-up call for me – a wake-up call to come back to my heart and I see that 2018 will be a big year of surrendering and giving up control!
Anyway… I’d like to sum up some learnings of 2017 that have been so important. Congrats if they trigger you because one huge thing I learned: Whatever triggers me, is an invitation to inwards! :D
x Self-Honesty – this is the way to go!!!!
-> Oh shit. Everyone loves to blame others for lying to them and not being honest and blabla bullshit. Why I know? Well, I’ve been there too. You’re so much in that victim-blaming-other-shit that you just don’t get the fact that MAYBE – maybe you’re just not honest with yourself too!!!! Ahhhh! Haha. Who want’s to know that? It’s like pretending that you only buy organic meat from animals that died laughing to hard :D we hate radical honesty. Because then we have to start owning our shits. And just do the work. Which can be exhausting. Getting to really know yourself is based in self-honesty. Oh dear… you’ll find a lot of shit in that hidden, pushed-away basement :D but in the same time, if you get to know your shits, you also get to know your amazing heart gifts. Trust me… this has been so hard to realize last year. I fucking lied to myself. This hurts. It hurts because it’s so anti-self-love. And I’m still not there with self-forgiveness…
So – if you’d be radically honest to yourself right now at this very moment – what would you allow yourself to see?
x Don’t sell your heart to please anyone.
-> This is a very bad deal. Pleasing and being liked has been a huge topic in my life and especially last year I wanted to be liked and loved so much that I got pretty crazy and pretty much the worst version of myself. It’s scary how our fears and triggers, if not aware of them, can make us pretty weird humans. Def. not the highlight of my year :D haha. But good that I’ve experienced it…because with that I made one of the most important realizations:
x Boundaries are AN ACT OF SELF-LOVE AND SELF-RESPECT.
->Holy shit. I didn’t keep boundaries up last year because of the fear of not being liked. This was a huge mistake. Setting boundaries mean valuing yourself in action. Whenever I sad yes to something or someone and let them run over my boundaries… it hurt my soul so much. It hurt my whole being. It hurt me deep inside my heart. Whenever you say yes and you don’t feel it, or you say no and you don’t feel it, you actually don’t take yourself seriously. You have to take yourself seriously if you want that others do that too. And the ones that don’t: You’ll trigger them so much that they’ll leave pretty soon. The more I’m clear about my boundaries and respect them (yes you have to respect your fucking boundaries!!!!!!!!), the less I actually get tested and have such people in my life. Thank god, it’s exhausting. Especially women have this social conditioning around boundaries and saying no. So I had to deal with lots of guilt and shame in the beginning. Once you start saying no btw., you’ll also have to accept that some people will say no to you too :D haha. Just in case you forgot.
x Get to know your triggers and fears well!!!
-> Once you know your shit, you’re able to center inside of yourself. That means no matter what comes, no matter how fucking stormy it is. You know your shits. And you also know your heart. And you stay there centered. If you keep chasing stuff that will distract you and hopefully make happy and forget your fears and shits… well, be prepared that it will bring you directly there inside your own shit pot with all the fears, repressed anger, and all the other fun stuff :D so better stay for a while alone and get to know your shits. This is self-responsibility on all levels. Get to know yourself first. And then from there grow LOVE.
x You’re capable of being alone (aka with no man next to you) and take care of yourself.
-> This one is huge. I was so scared when I realized that we’ll have to break-up. That meant all I thought will be, I had to let go. Being alone scares many people. Many women who get very triggered by the numbers between 30 and 42. And are in the urge of finding THE man and making babies. FAST. But wait – why? WHY? Suddenly they forgot that they said they’re fine being alone. Well… many have that. That’s why also many stay in relationships that just don’t flow. So little self-love. Myself included. I really got deep into that one and asked myself “why am I so obsessed with finding a man and get pregnant?”
Again – self-honesty. Like WHY DO I WANT IT REALLY? Really really.
Oh shiiiiit. I’m scared to be alone. Not lovable. Left.
Well… great base to have a family! *irony*
My best friend keeps reminding all women around her that it doesn’t get easier with kids. If it would be, then your stressed friends before kids, would well…be very relaxed now, no?!
x Don’t cling to a mind-made picture, better get the reality check.
-> Woahhh reality checks are super painful. We actually hate reality. We rather cling to the perfect, dreamy, romantic pictures we made. But it’s only in our minds. And life is chaos. Ignoring that chaos… well be prepared for some huge shit coming your way. It won’t flow and this is also the next learning:
x Go with the flow. Allow yourself to flow.
-> I’ve been a huge planner. Now the only things I plan are my work stuff because I committed to be more of service and that only works with focus. But everything else… the Universe is guiding me. When I start getting stuck in my head – everything else gets fucking stuck too. So. Boring. So. Not. Fun. At. All. Like really!
x I have a huge ego. Damn what an ego!!!!
->We all have a bigger ego than we think. Also, spiritual people tend to forget it :))
the break-up was very very humbling for me. I made myself very much accountable for my own shits that happen during our relationship. There was a lot. Understanding that we’re not victims but play a part in every game (aka life situation) is suuuupppppper ego melting. It’s like “oh..ohh shit.. okay. sorry.” and then you sit and feel and keep changing in your every day life. You just can’t keep blaming AND being an asshole. I def. was an asshole many times. He too. We both. So sorry for that. Also being 3 months at the Amritapuri Ashram – I started to get a slight glimpse of what DEVOTION really means. It means giving up. Surrendering to god (or Universe or Life or however you want to call it if the word “god” triggers you).
x Love will always bring out the best in you, where ego-shit will grow more shit.
-> If you’d ask me now if I *still* love my ex, I couldn’t say no. And then – why? Why do we have to stop loving someone? I mean LOVE IS – always. Sometimes we’re so much in our shits, we don’t see love, we can’t recognize it, we’re so scared. Anyway, LOVE made me move towards APPRECIATION. Means I felt so much LOVE and HUMBLENESS when we broke up that THIS was my motivation to dig deeper into my own shits and not just be in passive victimhood. But people confuse this with being together. You can LOVE and you can know that a relationship will just not work out.
x Forgiveness – oh forgiveness. What a drop of sweetness in all that bitterness.
-> How often do you meet people that are like casually telling you that they don’t care, they forgave blablabla. Or then there are those who are still so angry that they say they will NEVER forgive. Forgiveness. Shit. Forgiving myself – my ego makes it so difficult. Ego loves that we suffer. Ego is that inner voice that makes us behave like assholes to ourselves and others. I had some very deep moments in India where I felt so connected to my ex and saw all the beauty in his heart. And mine. My mantra was:
Puhh. Forgiveness is a super advanced spiritual practice. So many layers… so I didn’t forgive yet completely. Because I still don’t feel peaceful. I still feel triggered. And disappointed about how stuff was/is. So it is. And it’s okay. I try to believe it’s okay but it’s not always so easy for me.
x No man will save you ever.
-> Come on… men need to save themselves too. Why do we expect that they will save us while they’re struggling with saving themselves already? Men have a lot of karmic shit to work through. Like A LOT. And I know… so many women will be now “I don’t want that, I know no man will save me…” – well, I’ll say: “Dig deeper Darling!”. It’s a very subtle social conditioning that still lots and lots of women have. I’m watching that pattern. I watch myself scanning men. “HA! No no no girl, you don’t want that guy. You got that saving thing by yourself!”
x You gotta be your own best friend first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-> I’m that kind of person who immediately has the urge to share all from her heart. That’s why sometimes I think that Instagram got a bit my safe comfort-zone. I don’t share with everyone. In real life, I choose the people I share my sorrows very well. I’m just not in anymore for crappy fear-based advice. I love if my best friend and also my Indian father Dinesh make me accountable for my shits. They do it in a very loving, radical honest way. I take that serious because I deeply feel they want the best for me. BUT I really don’t wanna deal anymore with people who project their shits on me and give me weird advice. Or approval. No advice, no approval. Sometimes it triggers me if people give me unasked advice :D it’s an old wound that what I feel is not right and needs fixing. And now I’m learning also more that I can deal with my own shits too. You know not immidately run and tell. But just be and it’s okay, I’ll survive it. But also not let that emotions get stuck in my body. So dealing with your stuff means like really dealing with it, not surpressing it. That’s why it’s sometimes easier to let it come up and talk. Or writing it also helps. It brings up the heavy feelings and you can let yourself feel it all. It’s not super fun but very relieving. Clearing. Loving. So this is how I take care of myself. Literally taking care when I need myself the most and this is in pain.
There is also, of course, the other thing: Enjoying beautiful moments alone. I mean all movies and books are about the two people enjoying the sunset together. Which is beautiful. I loved sharing my journey with Adam. This was really hard in the beginning – to not share. But you’re so excited and then you realize you can’t share it anymore. Then you get sad. Now I let myself just enjoy more. Even though alone. :)
x Trust your heart and that you’re guided by something much bigger, brighter and more loving than your mind.
-> Intuition – that little voice that tries to wake us up. We like to ignore it. Because waking up means being radically honest and then you have to change and change can be pretty painful. You think I was super amazed when my heart started whispering me that I have to learn to be alone? Break-Up? Say Goodbye? Lose my friend? Fucking deal with all the consequences?
No damn, I didn’t want. I cried so hard for 2 months and begged for more time. More time was 2 months and then the Universe felt I’m ready for a new chapter of my life.
So trusting your heart requires self-commitment.
A commitment that whatever your decision you make, it will bring you nearer to Self-Liberation and Self-Realization.
Or this is my way. I feel the tantric yogic path for me. And yes, this is more than asana (physical exercises). It’s off and on the mat. It’s with people and not in a cave. But since I committed and asked my guru Amma for my personal mantra, my personal practice is so easy. It’s like brushing teeth. Like drinking water. A good guru is here to awaken the guru inside of you. This is it, just in case it triggered you :D guru and god… lots of karmic shit for many of us to clean-up since religion fucked up lots of stuff in the past (lives).
Anyway… go own your shits.
And be of service. Don’t think just about yourself or how you can benefit. Make all benefit from your heart gifts.
x See the good things and what you’ve learned.
-> Once I got into my heart, my friend Dinesh told me that it is time to do an appreciation list. Pick a person and write for 14 days, one thing that I appreciate about them. Grrr. I choose another ex. Damn. Haha you know I realized how I didn’t want to see the good. I didn’t want to wish him luck (not only him….). Anyway I struggled in the beginning and then I slowly opened up and found some pretty good stuff :D haha and you know what? It melted the anger away. Also, I slowly come to the point to see what I’ve learned in my relationship with Adam. Not just inner stuff but also all around traveling. And GOOD COFFEE! Like really good coffee. :D hihi. About dedication, focus, and commitment. The list goes on but it’s not about that. Just see what you’ve learned. Appreciate the time you had. <3
So… the last thing:
x You can’t run away.
You just can’t. Whenever you run, the shit runs with you. Damn, that’s why running away feels never good :D haha. You always feel threatened and like something is trying to chase you – because it is! YOUR SHITS! :D haha. I know I mentioned that word so often here… But it’s like that. I wanted to run away 3 times in the Ashram. And my friend Dinesh said: “Can I tell you something?” – and I said yes very scared :D
His answer: “There is so much focus on the outside…Your heart is calling you to go inwards!”
Holy shit… I felt how my heart space was closing up and I knew I have to stay. And the next time I just watched my urge to walk away. Later on, when I entered my shit pot, I didn’t even consider running away as an option. :) so this is super beautiful! :)
Okay.. this is it! I’ll stop now :) I’m super ready for 2018! Let’s see what kind of gifts this year has hidden for all of us. :)) I know that my vision for 2018 is to be of service, devoted to my heart and stay gentle with myself. Also adding no: Breaking all the fucking rules and let go of all filter, masks, labels, constructs, ideals…
That’s why I’m hosting an online workshop this Sunday that is called “The Art Of Speaking Up” and it’s all about going into that shit pot, meet your fears and from there build a base to be able to actually be brave and speak up! So if you’re ready, get all the info here and the early-bird-price is going on until the 6th of February. :)
So much love,
PS. Next Winter, you, I and other amazing sisters, a week in magical Northern Bali, freeing our BRAVE WILD WOMAN and living aligned with our hearts. Check this link for more info. MY HEART IS BEATING FAST FOR THIS EXPERIENCE.