These days I want to grief for myself

GRIEF – It needs space and courage to let grief in. But also the strength to not drown in it.

I saw a beautiful video on rituals from The School of Life we humans cultivated in the past but dropped more and more to keep the economy going (which has obvious consequences).

They talk about a ritual they have in Papa New Guinea – when someone leaves the tribe the nearest person(s) have 3 days to grief in their hut and they call this grieving AWUNBUK – they don’t have to take an active part of the community life. For these three days, they fill a coconut shell with water – it symbolizes the pain and tears which flow into it and on the third day they throw this water in nature and let go of all the pain. I like this a lot.

These days I want to grief for myself.

I built a little wall where I can normally talk and live. I can say your name and tell our stories without letting grief in.

Until I’m alone. Because then the stories come with feelings. And these feelings bring up emotions.
And when my heart softens, when the wall around my heart disappears, I welcome grief.

How?

-Through writing.
-Talking to myself about my feelings while walking in nature.
-Music.
-Allowing myself to feel the emptiness that is created by your energy not being here.
-Opening up and talking to my best friend

In the nights it’s the worst… Ash said that’s because in the night we’re the softest.. makes sense – the moon energy is the soft feminine Yin energy.

When I’m writing, I’m able to just let the feelings and tears flow out of me and it feels very freeing. It’s good to not let the emotions get stuck in the body – I feel the tension in my body during my practice.
Vibrations of mantras help to move this stuck emotions as well. And just sitting with it. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to feel pain and still move with life.

Hey grief, this time I don’t hate you. I’m not your victim. I know you’re a good old friend which I can finally welcome. You soften my heart, you make me more vulnerable. You make me for the first time see pain from a point where I can grow and make an active shift in my life to let go of old patterns, heal very old wounds.

Being present with grief means being present with what is and also honoring what I’ve learned with you – by actively grieving and reflecting, actively releasing and changing patterns I feel I’m appreciating what was.

I don’t want that this sounds like super wise or so (if it does, haha maybe not at all).

I just wanted to share that the pain and sadness are real, they are here and we don’t have to fight them or be victims, they’re here to soften us. They’re here so we can learn to forgive ourselves for all the things we wished we have done better.

And here are the tears. One part of me believes that I failed. That I made something so fucking wrong that I broke it all.

These are the wounds in us that want to be hugged, whatever we blame ourselves is a wound that screams for healing and unconditional self-love.

These days I’m reflecting a lot about my own behavior and watch how the behavior of others make me feel and ask myself “why do this man and his behavior make me so angry?”

Oh. I know why! Because I’ve done this too.
Oh okay, here is healing needed.

Thank you for the healing you bring dear grief, you’re welcome to soften my heart so that it can be stronger than my ego.

 

[ssba]

One thought on “These days I want to grief for myself”

  1. Dear Aleks, my soulsister, no matter what kind of loss we are left with, every single one of us is left to deal with our own way of grieving. Every feeling you are experiencing is normal and each person expresses his/her pain in a different and very personal way. I’m sending you so much love and strength, dear. Take care of your soul and lots of blessing for the coming days, weeks, months <3 <3 <3

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