Exploring: Where is my sadness really coming from?

Are you really honest with yourself?

In my last Empowerment Workshop, many questions came to me which I asked the wonderful brave women who attended – one was to complete the sentence: “If I’m really honest with me, I’ll recognize that…”

There are 3 main possible answers here:

a) You’re honest that you can’t be honest.
b) You face the naked truth.
c) You distract yourself with a mind-created answer.

In the sharing circle I talked a lot and in the end, I felt like I actually didn’t say anything.

So at the end of the sharing circle, I said that there is actually something that I want to share but didn’t:

I’m sad. I really feel some deep sadness.

Mhmmmm. I cried. It was so important to be vulnerable and share this honestly.

Being honest and letting this coming out of me was a huge relief.

Being really honest with yourself – with whatever is RIGHT NOW, helps you scratch deeper into your soul and all the darkness and mud that is waiting for the light.

What makes me feel so sad?

Of course, I’m so sad because of my breakup with Adam like puhhh…There are no words that have space for these feelings.

But let’s imagine Adam is back here:

Would I now feel the happiest ever?
Would there be a deep relief?

If I’m radically honest now to me, I’d recognize that…

No. I wouldn’t be. Maybe for some days or weeks.

But actually, this sadness was always there, like a wall around my heart. ACTUALLY exactly this sadness makes me not being able to give love, feel love beyond wanting, expecting, controlling.

I just cried, I don’t know where this deeeeeep sadness comes from but when I’m honest, I’m realizing that it has been here and will stay here if I keep looking for outer distractions to fulfill me.

Not the yoga classes and workshops I really love and enjoy giving will fulfill me, nor traveling, nor Adam, nor my best friend or family, nor money, nor “success”.

Because under all that, there will be this fog of sadness. And it won’t remove it. This love needs to come from deep inside. I have no idea how to do that but I’m also practicing patience at the moment (yeah catching myself pretty often) and know that first important thing is to allow myself to feel this sadness.

If you are really honest with yourself, what would you allow yourself to feel?

There is always something… If you’re not ready today, that’s okay too.

But freedom comes only from radical self-honesty, reflexion and acceptance. 

[ssba]

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